Posted: September 15, 2008, 5 a.m. EDT
For every question you answer correctly, you earn 10 points.
Inner Ferret Question 1: The correct answer is d), you are helpless in the face of those bags. You save huge balls of them, and you can’t even say why. I can tell you why. Your inner ferret is leading you to stash them because ferrets are tireless stashers. Why those bags? Because they make such a cool noise when you roll around in a pile of them. Try it! But maybe try it in privacy. People are funny about things like that, and it really doesn’t seem fair. After all, a pile of leaves is fair game.
Inner Ferret Question 2: The correct answer is b), open it immediately! Then check out the packaging, maybe play a little with the bubble wrap. Your inner ferret is a curious animal, and anything new must be explored and examined minutely. And the bubble wrap? It’s almost as much fun as the pile of crinkly Wal-Mart bags. No ferret could ever just walk away from something novel.
Inner Ferret Question 3: The correct answer is d), you do your own personal victory dance. This is one of the most telling aspects of one’s inner ferret, your own personal weasel war dance! Sure celebrating the moment with family and friends is good, but the dance is everything.
Inner Ferret Question 4: The answer is d), you try to wheedle a bit of some of what they are having for yourself, of course! It’s not enough for your inner ferret to check out someone else’s food to see if it’s better than what you are having, it’s best to actually get some of theirs!
This relates to one of the Ferret Cardinal Rules: What’s yours is mine. Your inner ferret knows this instinctively, and acts.
Inner Ferret Question 5: The answer is c), a hammock, of course! All of the other choices have their good and bad points, but there is just something tropical and languorous and romantic about a hammock. Your inner ferret knows this instinctively. If you have never had the pleasure of swinging gently in a hammock, you need to go give it a try. Choose a sunny day, and bring a good book and a tall glass of ice tea.
Inner Ferret Question 6: The answer is true. You appreciate the rich, greenhouse smell of potting soil. It makes you think of green, growing things, and it is a pure pleasure to get your “paws” into sun-warmed soil, especially. You thought that you just had a green thumb. No, you have an inner ferret, and that ferret wants to dig!
Inner Ferret Question 7: The answer is false. Remember the Ferret Cardinal Rules — what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine, especially toys! Toys are personal, highly personal, almost as personal as one’s tail. There are reasons that your inner ferret leads you to stash your best toys away where no one else can mess with them or lose them. Remember, they are yours!
Inner Ferret Question 8: The answer is false. Your inner ferret is a tunnel dweller. That’s why you so enjoy the feeling of being snuggled, of being wrapped up all warm and cozy in your bed. Real ferrets satisfy this need with play tunnels to zip through, but your inner ferret is completely content with being wrapped up in the circle of someone’s arms.
Inner Ferret Question 9: The answer is true. A real ferret may sleep up to 20 hours a day. It is your inner ferret that leads you to seek out some quiet, comfortable place to curl up and nap. Guard your napping rights with weasel-like ferocity. Remember the Cardinal Rules, what’s mine is mine, and let nothing come between you and your nap.
Inner Ferret Question 10: The answer is true. A closed door bothers you in some way that you can’t really define. You may close doors in your home when you have visitors and things are a little untidy, but, in general, you are curious about what might be behind the door in someone else’s home. This is, of course, the influence of your inner ferret. What ferret can walk past a closed door without at least pawing at the bottom edge of it a few times? There might be wonders inside! What ferret can walk past your bathroom door when a human is inside even if the ferret has been inside that bathroom a thousand times? It might be different, this time!
0 to 25 Points — Has your inner ferret, um … maybe crossed the Rainbow Bridge?
26 to-50 Points — You do indeed have an inner ferret, but it needs some serious nurturing. Go buy yourself some toys. Immediately.
51 to 75 Points — You are genuinely in touch with your inner ferret, but you spend too much of your time and energy trying to be a boring old human. Kick back! Do a war dance!
76 to 100 Points — You live in harmony with your inner ferret and express it on a daily basis. Your family and friends think that you are completely out of your mind. Good for you! Dook, dook, dook!
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Alexandra Sargent-Colburn lives in Massachusetts with fish, ferrets, a cat, a husband and a neurotic dog. The ferrets are in charge.